“I say this because I know the plans that I have for you.” This message is from the Lord. “I have good plans for you. I don’t plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future.12 Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”
Remember that blog post back in May about my PCOS? Here’s a link to it if you didn’t read it before. Click here.
Now, read the verse at the top and repeat it to yourself. Those words are TRUTH and nothing but TRUTH.
After a long journey with medication such as Metformin, strict dieting and even self-administered injections (or better yet, husband-administered injections), hormone therapy, endless bloodwork and all those steps you take when considered “infertile” I would be happy to say today, “Hey! It worked!” But, it did NOT work.
Juan preparing my injections.
My husband and I spent money we didn’t have to go through a fertility treatment to have our first baby. And…nothing happened.
The day I received that call from the doctor’s office, saying that it was a negative result and that we could try one more round, I literally cried myself to sleep. I was devastated. I was disappointed in myself. And, even if I wanted to be angry at God, He had already done so much work in my heart that I couldn’t. I just had to accept it and trust in Him.
So, hubs and I decided we wouldn’t be doing another round. First of all because it was straining our finances, but also straining our heart and we needed a break. So, I prayed that I would “forget about the baby thing” and continue with my life.
I said all kinds of things to myself, like: “Well, if you’re not a natural mother, you can be a mother to other people’s babies,” or “There is so much you can do in this world, so much good and you have so much love to share.”
While all these things were and still are true, little did I know what God had in store for us.
Eight months later, I start to feel queezy. But, knowing my body (somewhat disfunctional) I convinced myself it was the cysts again (PCOS) and I had to go to another checkup again. But, I held off the appointment for a week. That week, all the symptoms any normal woman would consider as pregnancy signs, I just considered PCOS signs. (Woman of little faith, huh?)
Two weeks later, I decided I needed to find out what was going on. So, I went to the lab to get blood drawn. They were the longest, most anxious 2 days of my life waiting for results. (I tell you, these labs gotta learn from Honduras labs where they give results 2 hours later).
The results finally arrived in my e-mail. I did not want to know. It took me a good 3 hours to open that PDF and read the magic word POSITIVE in there.
Positive? What? How accurate is this?
I ran all the scenarios in my head. How would I tell Juan? Could this be true? Is this really for real? What if something goes wrong?
And that’s when all the songs on KSBJ reassured me. It was God speaking to my heart, saying, “My child, I have given you a blessing. I have gifted you with the longings of your heart. Be still and keep on trusting.”
We waited 3.5 years for this tiny little breadcrumb (migaja de semita). We lost faith, we cried, we dismayed, we doubted. We got on our knees and prayed, we trusted and then fell again. We tried all and every alternative, medically, physically, etc. And nothing worked.
I don’t have the exact answer to that question. All I know is, God is GOOD. God promised and He ALWAYS delivers. He will give you the desires of your heart. You just have to trust in Him and His perfect timing.
My Migaja de Semita
As I sing Hallelujah this weekend during our church’s Christmas Services, I will not only be singing one of the holiest songs ever written. I will be praising my sweet Jesus for ALL He has done in our lives. Because 3.5 years into making this little breadcrumb deserves a huge HALLELUJAH!
(P.S. And my mother would surely agree with that. Just ask all the people in the hospital’s parking lot as she yelled out, “I’m going to be a Grandma!”)